Who Told Josh Cribbs to Put the Balm On?

The Maestro?!

The Maestro?!

When I was a kid, from time to time, I would ask my mother for a cookie. If her initial response was no, I would whine, and tell her why I deserved a cookie. If that didn’t work, I would seek out another adult to give me the cookie I felt I so richly deserved. Never at any point would I draft a letter saying, “cookie distribution is one-sided in favor of the adults.”

Today, Josh Cribbs drafted a letter (!) to supposedly inform fans that he REALLY REALLY REALLY wants a new contract. Cribbs is getting some pretty terrible advice.

Here’s how holdouts work Josh. You either hold out, or you don’t. You don’t draft letters. I know you have a family to feed, I know that you think your performance deserves more money than you are currently being paid, I get it that you want a new deal.

I GATHERED ALL OF THAT WHEN I HEARD YOU WERE HOLDING OUT.

This letter reeks of desperation. This letter is straight out of the playbook of a high school girl who gets dumped a week before prom. Cribbs, I agree that you deserve some more scratch, I think you’re a great player, single-handedly responsible for several wins over the years. The one thing (I think) this letter tells me is that you really didn’t WANT to hold out, but the people around you told you that you should. That’s fine. Go get your coin, son. Leave the letter in the drawer.

Look, nobody likes holdouts, and I’m no different. I particularly don’t like players holding out that I really want back on the team. But 10 times out of 10, I’ll take a holdout over a guy who may or may not call Browns Headquarters at 2 AM after having too much to drink, only to hang up after the second ring.

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3 Responses

  1. Stan the Caddy?!?

  2. Yeah, anyway i want to buy some balm like this, thanks a lot.

  3. NB: I approved the above comment because it makes no sense. Which makes it awesome.

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